The Trouble with Wanting
by MzMalfoy
Summary: In the fourteen years they'd been dancing around each other, they'd never managed to be single at the same time.


A/N:

Hi! It's been a while! Thanks for reading!

So...I nearly made a new name to publish this under. This one happened accidentally (again), and it's sort of way personal and I wasn't sure I wanted anyone I know to read it. I decided to risk it. This grew in my brain after I saw my One Who Got Away after about 12 years and he was still everything I want in a man, lol. Then a few days later I heard the song that's referenced in the story (by Joy Williams), and it turned into this exaggerated version of real-life that you'll find below. Some parts are 100% true to life, some are grossly exaggerated, and some are made up entirely. I hope I've convincingly made it about Draco and Hermione, even if I didn't it was pretty cathartic to write haha!

Let me know what y'all think.

She was watching the laundry fold itself when the text came.

_Erica and I are splitting up._

Her hands shook with a sudden rush of emotion. In the fourteen years they'd been dancing around each other they'd never managed to be single at the same time. These last couple of years he'd been the one committed elsewhere. She'd nearly managed to quit hoping that would change. Nearly.

She was simultaneously elated, hopeful, terrified, and sad for her friend. The friend she'd basically consigned to being the One Who Got Away. She tried to push down the selfish hope that maybe this meant they could be together, finally.

_Draco! I had no idea things had gotten bad for the two of you. I know that's a hard thing, I'm so sorry._

She DID know what was a hard thing, having had two major relationships crash and burn over the last decade and a half herself.

_It's fine. It'd been coming for a while. I think you know why._

Oh god, he DID want her.

_I could hazard a guess._

The battle against the selfish hope was a losing one. She folded herself into a nearby chair, put her hands to her face and gave into tears. She'd gotten over castigating herself for these feelings years ago; they were what they were. And as the years proved, they weren't going away, even if they did lie dormant for periods of time when they didn't see each other. But as soon as they saw each other again she was reminded. Oh. Yes. _Him_.

Was it really going to happen, finally?

_I need a bit of time, but if you start dating anyone in the next little while, so help me I'll kill him with my bare hands. Not really, but for the love of god, woman…_

_I don't think that will be an issue. _

She gave a watery giggle. Dating, ha. No one had gotten past a handful of dates because none of them were Draco and she just couldn't bring herself to accept a second best. However much she tried to not be that girl who was hung up on a man in a relationship with someone else… there was nothing for it.

_Good. Let me get things settled a bit… then I'm coming for you, Granger. _

_You had damn well better. I am sorry that you're going through a hard time, for the record._

_I know, babe, nothing but love._

It had started between them when they were twenty two, that seemed impossibly young looking back. They were collaborating on the construction of a children's home- she as the ministry representative, he as the site supervisor for the construction company, Malfoy Enterprises had their fingers in a lot of pies, apparently.

She had noticed him immediately her first day on site. In the last years of the war his clear loss of appetite and constant terror had been visible in every line of his body, for all of them when it came down to it. Now he was healthy and had matured from a scrawny teenager into a man who'd grown into his height. Oh yes, she'd noticed. She had also noticed him noticing her. He was subtle about it at first but she felt that flush of warmth from his appraising gaze.

As they got more comfortable with each other and formed a surprisingly easy friendship, he grew quite a bit bolder. One day after spending several hours out in the heat with sheets of plans, coordinating this and that, he'd turned to lean against the haphazard table they'd set up. He'd given her the slow look, up and down. Her heart raced at the look in his eyes.

"I have to say, Granger. Weasley is a luckier man than he has any right to be."

"Thank you, I think," she'd joked as she turned back to the plumbing plan. It felt good to be noticed like that… Ron had been taking her for granted for _years_.

"Mhmm. You'll let me know when you get tired of him, yeah?" He'd just winked and gone back to work, politely ignoring the flush on her cheeks. As if he hadn't just sent her pulse rate skyrocketing.

They'd forged a solid friendship that, if she was honest, DID rather frequently cross the line into flirting during those ten months of construction. But despite the constant temptation she had not strayed. Though… sometimes, lying awake at night next to Ron… she wondered. Did Draco just want to sleep with her, or did he have feelings for her? Because when she was honest with herself, which she tried to always be, Draco made her feel things that Ron never did- and she and Draco hadn't even kissed. Not that her dating history was particularly comprehensive, but she'd never felt chemistry like she felt with Draco. Not even close. It was like a tangible thing between them, neither even trying to pretend they didn't feel it.

She'd started to question her relationship with Ron… but she didn't want to throw away the years of friendship they had for the chance that the grass was greener with Draco. She was also afraid that, with their chemistry, they'd burn hot but then they'd burn OUT and she'd be left with the ashes of a broken heart. Admitting to herself that she was half-in love with him was difficult… but it was the truth.

She tried to ignore that bossy voice in her head telling her she should reevaluate her relationship with Ron, simply because she was capable of feeling this drawn to someone else. And that should probably not be ignored. In the end, she opted for the safe route. She stayed in her moderately-happy relationship instead of risking being burned alive by Draco.

A year and a half later, things went sour with Ron anyway. She'd resisted the urge to text Draco for a while. She hadn't seen him since they'd worked together… she wasn't interested in a rebound fling. She knew in her heart that if she had Draco, she wouldn't be inclined to let him go. It was coming up on six months post-break up when she finally text him. After some initial hi-how-are- yous, she'd gathered her courage and told him,

_Ron and I broke up._

She'd waited impatiently while he took entirely too long to respond.

_Are you all right?_

_Yes, it's been a little while. I'm fine now. __Actually… I seem to recall your saying I should let you know when that happened._

She'd sat there in a heap of nervous sweat, feeling as though she'd put herself entirely too far out on a limb.

_Shit, Hermione. I have a girlfriend now._

She'd deflated on the spot. Silly of her to assume he was single and would come running with one text. Well, that was okay. The whole burning hot and burning out thing probably still applied. It was better this way. It was fine. She was fine.

They chatted for a few more minutes before the conversation petered out. What was left to say?

She did her best to put him out of her mind. They saw each other occasionally in passing and shared somewhat wistful smiles. They'd reached an unspoken conclusion that they couldn't be platonic friends. Oh, they were friendly when they ran into each other but there was no texting or meeting up for lunch. Not with chemistry that was nearing flammable. But that didn't stop her wondering what it would be like to have him for herself.

She met someone else a year or so later and things got serious. Another year would pass before she got a text out of the blue,

_Are you seeing anyone? – Draco_

_Yeah, I am._

_It's serious?_

_Looking that way, yeah._

_Goddammit. We have shit timing._

_We really do. _

She and Roger had happily gotten married not too long after that. Thoughts of Draco faded mostly to fond memories that she'd take out and ponder once in a blue moon: what would it have been like if they had gotten together? Would it have been as amazing as her imagination suggested? Oh well, it was very unlikely she'd ever find out.

But, as sometimes happen, things went to shit. After five good years with Roger, she spent three more trying to get back to the good that they'd had. Their relationship died a slow, lingering death and she really should've called it much earlier than she had. Finally calling the game, she moved out, filed the paperwork, and got herself back up on her feet in her new place. The idea of texting Draco popped into her head every so often but it had been over eight years since they talked. And she hadn't seen him in even longer than that. She heard a rumor he was working on the continent. She'd also heard a rumor that he'd gotten married. That ached more than it had any right too.

She had a couple of dates with an amazing man with whom she had ZERO chemistry. At this point, after three years in an emotional void of a relationship, and a year and a half out on her own, she was lonely enough to consider giving it a go with the new guy. He was funny, easy to talk to, and they had a million things in common. Objectively she knew he was attractive… maybe attraction would grow in time?

Pondering the lack of chemistry between herself and New Guy obviously led to thoughts of Draco. New Guy would be a really good match if they had even half of the chemistry that she and Draco'd had. On impulse, she decided to text him.

_Hey, stranger! You popped into my head, I thought I'd say hello. :)_

_My girl! How are you?_

God, she was entirely too old and jaded to giggle like that. They spent a few minutes catching up before it inevitably came around to her marital status. _Looks like I'm single again, figured I should stick with tradition and let you know, even though rumor has it you're married these days._

_Yeah I am. We are never going to get this right, are we?_

_You'll just be my one who got away, I suppose._

_You should've ditched Weasley for me. We'd have been amazing together._

_I might have if I'd thought you wanted me for keeps._

_For keeps is the only way I play, love. I didn't realize that was that unclear._

She blinked at her mobile for a moment. She'd mostly convinced herself that he'd just wanted a fling.

_Oh. Well. Damn._

She might just sit down and have a little cry. She hated feeling so lonely, especially now with the thought of what she maybe could've had all that time.

_I'll be in the Ministry for some planning permits tomorrow actually, can I pop by your office to say hello?_

_Of course!_

She'd passed the morning in a nervous mess. Maybe the chemistry was a thing of the past… and maybe she'd exaggerated it in her memories and it wasn't really as potent as she remembered. Surely after all this time he wouldn't make her feel so strongly. It would be fine. Just catching up with an old friend.

Finally, a little while after lunch there was a knock on her door. She bade him enter and he stood in the doorway for a moment and just looked at her. She stood from her chair and met his gaze while the awareness of each other filled the room around them. It had not, in fact, been exaggerated in her memories. If anything she'd forgotten the extent of it.

He took a step into the room and closed the door behind him and they met in the middle. Her arms went around his shoulders as his went around her waist and he lifted her into a crushing hug. She pressed her cheek to his, full with the knowledge that her loneliness would be even more pronounced in her empty flat that night. They stayed that way for a moment, silent. She didn't know what he was thinking, but she was drowning with both happiness at seeing him after so long and poignant loss that they missed their chance and she'd never get to know what it was like to be loved by him.

He sat her back down and they spent a cheerful hour talking and joking with each other. Discussing everything from books to music to finance. Her heart ached painfully the rest of the afternoon. She felt all too keenly that he was her perfect match; he ticked every box for what she wanted in a partner. Except for single. Her flat and her bed were both echoingly empty that night and for quite a few after. New Guy was solidly friend-zoned; now she knew there was no way she could settle for no passion.

They began exchanging texts a week or so after that. First, he sent her a song he'd heard that he thought she'd like. She responded in kind.

He checked in with how the children's home was doing.

She mentioned a book she'd read that seemed his cup of tea.

They were careful to stay on the correct side of the line as far as flirting went. Though they skirted a bit too close, perhaps. His marriage and his wife went mostly unmentioned.

She was wandering around her empty flat late one evening. She thought about texting Draco… but he was likely at home with his wife and that made her uncomfortable. And guilty. She turned on the wireless to fill the silence but the song that came out stopped her in her tracks.

_Always on my mind  
Always alone  
You could be miles and miles away  
But somehow you're close  
If I can't have my cake  
And I can't eat it too  
Well, I guess the sound of your voice  
In the aching will just have to do_

_'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you  
The trouble with wanting is I want you  
The trouble with wanting is I want you  
And I want you all the time  
The trouble with wanting is I want you  
The trouble with wanting is I want you  
I see you there and I see that line  
(The trouble with wanting is I want you)  
And I want you all the time  
Oh, I want you all the time_

She'd sat on the sofa with the haunting harmony and lyrics swirling around her and, with heart breaking, decided that she had to put him away. She would not be that pathetic woman who spent her time pining after a married man. _I see you there and I see that line. _She would not be part of an emotional affair, which seemed inevitable if they kept on this path. She would stop initiating texts. She wouldn't be rude but she wouldn't pursue this friendship any more. She was better than this.

She'd just have a bit of a cry first though.

And so, a couple months later, as she was watching the laundry fold itself, the text came from him. Her world tilted on its axis and her heart felt as though it would fly out of her chest.

And then that text a few minutes later: _Let me get things settled a bit… then I'm coming for you, Granger._

By yet another unspoken agreement they didn't text each other while the dust from his divorce settled. She did her best to put it out of her mind, as she'd been doing for so long anyway, and go about her life like she wasn't waiting with bated breath for the stars to finally align for them. She didn't date, but she hadn't really been anyway. Dating in your mid-thirties was awkward and weird and she'd always struggled with it as it was. She wasn't purposefully waiting on him, exactly, but she was not open to seeing anyone new either.

She did her best to be patient. She appreciated that he wasn't jumping straight into things with her. That he seemed to be taking it as seriously as she felt like it was. This was for real and they both knew it, it seemed like. Even if things didn't work out in the end, this had been building for so long that they were both all in.

Finally, _finally_, her mobile chimed while she was getting started on the dishes one night. _Please_, let that be from Draco. It was, she knew it. It had to be him. No one else would text her at ten at night.

_Hey. I know it's late… could I come over for a few minutes?_

_Yes, of course._

She spent the next four minutes frantically straightening up her flat and getting her hair into some semblance of order. She ran breathless into the living room at his knock on the door.

Breathe, Hermione! She told herself as she invited him in.

They stood watching each other for a moment after the door closed.

"I'm single," he said rather unnecessarily. "You're single." She nodded in agreement. "I'm just going put it out there: I've wanted you for nearly fifteen fucking years. And I'm fairly confident that you've felt the same. And I decided that I didn't want to wait another day."

All she could do was nod again and move to close the distance between them. "Thank fuck," he swore and stepped to her and, like last time, wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the floor. Only this time, this time they didn't have to hold back and finally their lips met. She'd spend days analyzing the emotions that washed through her, and the feel of being in his arms after such a long wait. If her brain hadn't melted out of her ears by then, that was. Because the chemistry that had drawn them together over and over had FINALLY gotten its chance to coalesce into something fulfilled. That tangible thing that rose up between them when they'd seen each over the years as a nearly flammable thing, was now something she wouldn't even be able to put into words. Authors, poets, artists, and songwriters had been trying since the dawn of spoken language- she'd leave it to them.

They separated enough to catch their breath a few minutes later. They stood with foreheads pressed together, still barely inside her flat, clutching each other. She did her best to gather her thoughts.

"I won't do no-strings with you, Draco Malfoy. If I have you, I want you for keeps." She ran her hands down his arms to twine their fingers together. "Just so we're clear."

"Crystal clear, love. I want all the strings. I want you, all of you, all the time."

(Song credit: Joy Williams, The Trouble with Wanting)


End file.
